I am a veteran who had 20 years in the Air Force. Through the VA I am 100 percent temporary disabled.  I was able to get my Fibromyalgia rated last year. Also, I asked for an increase in my depression which they did. It was not an easy process but I was thankful I was approved.  I want to guide other Veterans through the disability process.

Recently I was turned down for social security disability insurance (SSDI).  I fought them for two years.  Going before two different judges – bared my soul for them.  Just received my last denial last Friday.  It put me in a spiral out of control anger and depression.  Tried to put a bright face on for everyone but exhausting. Suicidal thoughts raging. Telling me to just give up.  Truly exhausting!  So ugly it’s hard to figure out how to get from one day to the next.

My friend told me to start a blog. I thought ‘OK, but what do I have to say?  I don’t know….have to really think about it.  Things that are important to me.  My relationship with Jesus, saving money and veterans.  This will be the start of my blog.

Yesterday one of my small town members committed suicide. This really make’s me think this is one topic I need to speak about.  Neighbors heard gunshots so they called the police. They had to bring in everyone – police, fire and numerous other teams. They spent over 6 hours trying to talk to this gentleman with no success. It ended with the man taking his life. So sad! This could have been me on Saturday. I struggle everyday with suicidal thoughts but I have been taught how to get through them.  I really wish someone had been able to get through to this 61 year old man.

One Reply to “Why?????”

  1. There are so many circumstances in our lives that can bring us to the brink of suicide. I am sure we have all experienced losing someone either friend or family making the choice to end it all.
    However, having experienced finding my best friend, who committed suicide in her apartment on her birthday when we were supposed to celebrate her birthday dinner together. I know the angst of finding her. Having to call the police and wait alone with her while I waited for an ambulance and the police to arrive. I then had to call her family with the news.
    I devoted my 15+ years to listening to her whenever she needed to talk and talking her back from the edge. Her death was devastating to me and especially her daughters. The memories even 18 years later and still raw. I ask myself what more could I have done. I still have anger at her for doing this and knowing I would be the one to find her. I don’t wish these emotions on anyone. It will always be with me.
    I loved her and will always miss her. In spite of her issues, she cared about the people in her life. Everyone who knew her was shocked as she put on a good facade. Only those of us she chose to share her heart with were aware of her issues.
    My main point is, keep reaching out to anyone who will listen. Everyone has people who care and would do anything to help you through any feelings at any given moment.
    You are never alone, even if you feel you are.
    Suicide affects everyone who loves you. Just keep the faith.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s